According to Harry SPOOFS
by annimayo
Summary: I origionally wrote this so it was only one chapter, but now it will be various parts from the booksmovies, but wre-written by me as a spoof. The charactors act different and things are messed up. Enjoy! muahahah!
1. Prisoner of Azkaban ending

This is my first fanfic, so do not be angered if it is not up to your expectations. :D Enjoy!  
  
(Harry and Hermione have just used the Time Turner in the book The Prisoner of Azkaban and are on their way to set time straight.)  
  
Harry: HERMIONE STOP!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?! (Hermione starts skipping)  
  
Hermione: Gotta catch me to find out! la la la la la  
  
(Harry tackles Hermione)  
  
Harry: URMPH!!!  
  
Hermione: That wasn't what I had in mind! OW! I broke a nail. (glares at Harry and then punches him)  
  
Harry: AAH! Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!  
  
Hermione:(standing at pillar thingy, watching them go into Hagrid's cabin) Nevermind that. Lets go and hide behind those plastic pumpykins. (begins skipping again) la la la la la  
  
Harry: You never told me what the thing you put around our necks was... and.. whu? Why can I see myself?! AAAH! neeargh... who am I?!!  
  
Hermione: (sigh) we went back in time. blah blah blah. don't be seen and all the rest. You get it?  
  
Harry: uh... nooo.......oh well! Bring on the pumpykins! (begins skipping towards Hermione and the plastic jumbo pumpkins)  
  
(make their way towards Hagrid's shack, singing loudly)  
  
Hermione: we probably shouldn't sing. Fang may get angry. You know how he gets when he listens to people singing... eh...  
  
Harry: weeewooooooooo  
  
(hiding behind pumpkins)  
  
Harry: hum dee dum de dum..Hey Hermy can I throw the rock at me this time? Please?!  
  
Hermione: Fine. (Pouts as Harry throws rock. Rock goes in house but hits Hagrid)  
  
Hagrid:(from inside the house) ACK! Darn mosquitos!  
  
(Harry, Hermione, and Ron leave through the back of the house and begin walking up the hill towards Hogwarts while avoiding the eyes of Dumbledore, the ax dude, and Fudge)  
  
Harry: Is it time yet Hermy? Is it time?! huh? huh? Can I save Buckbeaks life now and let him live happily ever after? huh? huh?  
  
Hermione: If you'd shut up I could tell you. (slaps him) DIE! (Tish face for a couple seconds and then reverts back to her normal neurotic self) heh.. GOOOOOOO!!! I shall get the stinky winky ferrets so they will mess up my beautiful pink sweater.  
  
(They race off with Buckbeak into the forest. Buckbeak tries to snatch the ferret out of Hermione's hands but misses and gets her hand)  
  
Hermione: AAAHHH!!! I'M DYING......(lies down on the ground for a minute and then gets up) Okay I'm done. Lets go.  
  
(they leave Buckbeak farther in the forest while they watch the Whomping Willow)  
  
Harry: so... Now... we wait.  
  
Hermione: yess... (awkward look at Harry) Lets forget that I'm madly in love with Ron and make out okay?!  
  
Harry: SCORE!  
  
(time goes by....Everyone starts coming out of the Whomping Willow)  
  
Harry: Hey! There I am again! wow this is like, a parallel universe!  
  
Hermione: ugh. I thought we were doing something here! (pouts for a couple seconds) okay OWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what? I felt the need to howl.  
  
Harry: awww!! theres a doggie that responded to it! Nice doggie. What big teeth you have! (as Lupin is coming closer and closer)  
  
Hermione: AH! LUPIN!! EEE! Come Harry! Let us skip! Hurry! Skip for your life!!!!  
  
(they skip as they've never skipped before. Then stop behind the tree while Buckbeak scares Lupin off.)  
  
Hermione and Harry: YAY! BUCKY!!!! WOOHOO!!! (take out styrofoam finger gloves) YAY!!!! SCORE ONE FOR THE TEAM!!!  
  
Harry: Lets go to the pond and talk to the fishies.  
  
Hermione: alrighty.  
  
(They go to the pond thingy and see Sirius and Harry being attacked by the dementors)  
  
Harry: alright... where is my dad?! He should be here any time! I remember... the stag... and... DAD!!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!!!!!! ugh. Dad isn't coming... I'm going to die!!!!! Sirius is going to die!!! Hermione is going to die!!!!!  
  
Hermione: uh.. no I'm not and no your not and no he's not and do your expect paternal spell.  
  
Harry: okie dokie. EXPECTO PATRONUM!!! ooooh... look a white stag!!! DAD! YOU DID COME!!! (races out into lake and falls while trying to hug the patronum)  
  
Hermione: Come. We shall ride, ride as far as we can, and never return.  
  
Harry: uh.. but what about Sirius?  
  
Hermione: oooh! yes that! darn... (mutters) what a nuisance Sirius is...  
  
Harry: huh?  
  
Hermione: oh.. nevermind...  
  
(ride off on Buckbeak to window where Sirius is being held captive)  
  
Hermione: Sirius!!! Your knight on a shining white steed awaits you!!!!!  
  
Sirius: OOOH! A PRINCESS!  
  
Hermione: uh.. no actually you get to hop on this horsies back and fly off into the moonlight  
  
Sirius: oh okay!  
  
Harry: Bye Sirius! ride like the wind Buckbeak!  
  
(Sirius hops on Buckbeak and they ride off into the sky)  
  
Sirius: WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The End. 


	2. Chamber of Secrets ending

So, I guess what I going to do is add chapters but each chapter will be from a different section of a different book. I'll pick the sections and end them however I want! You never know what might happen! AHAHAHA!! I've decided I'm not going to add characters from other books/movies/etc because I always get confused. Just to help myself. grins Enjoy!  
  
(This one takes place in the second Harry Potter book when Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Lockhart are going in search of the Basilisk. Lockhart has his memory as of now.)  
  
Ron: hum dee dum deed um...... LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!  
  
Lockhart: Ack! My ears! They burn! Make it stop! (smiles with pain)  
  
Ron: Shut up! My voice is beautiful as a midsummer's moon.  
  
Lockhart: alrighty. (smiles)  
  
Harry: So anyway... what are we doing in this dungeon? OOOH! I remember now... The snake that killed Moaning Mertle. I will make it pay.....  
  
Hermione: I'm not supposed to be here am I? I forgot that I'm sick in the Hospital Wing! Bye guys!  
  
(Hermione disappears)  
  
Lockhart: I will conquer this foe! I will slay this beast! I will kill it with my beautiful smile and dashing white teeth! (smiles again) Hey guys aren't my teeth pretty?  
  
Harry and Ron: uh...  
  
Harry: Actually you've got a cavity right here... (points inside Lockhart's mouth)  
  
Lockhart: (bends down on his knees in anguish) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Ron: Well, now that that's over. Lets go kick some dragon ass!!!  
  
Harry: I thought it was a snake...  
  
Ron: oh.. dragon/snake/basilisk... I thought a basilisk was a lizard that could run on water... who cares... LETS KILL THE BEAST!  
  
(all start chanting "Kill the Beast" from Beauty and the Beast)  
  
Lockhart: (whimpering) tooth... not perfect... err... nee... ug....(begins crying)  
  
Ron: (performs memory charm on Lockhart) OH NO! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!  
  
Harry: Looks like you uh... shut him up. Woohoo!  
  
Lockhart: you guys are handsome! Can I stroke your cloaks?! Why is the lighting so bad in here? (mutters to self) poor lighting makes people squint.. tsk tsk.  
  
(Harry walks a bit further into the tunnel and spots the snake skin)  
  
Harry: ooooooooh! Leather!!!! Poor cows.... Oh well! Its soft!!! Soft leather weather... I wonder how they got the cows so big...POOR COWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(rumbling from the ceiling. Rocks fall in response to Harry's outburst.)  
  
Lockhart: Oh look! Hail!  
  
(Rocks cut off passage and Harry is left alone)  
  
Harry: RON!!! You dead?  
  
Ron: Yah man.  
  
Harry: I'm off to fight the mighty beast!  
  
Ron: okie dokie artichokie. Don't you get eaten now! I hear those Dragons have mighty big teeth for their mighty big bodies.  
  
Harry: Dragon? Snake? What is it?!  
  
(Harry begins skipping into the cavern.)  
  
Harry: Wow. The interior decorating is exquisite, what with the snake heads on the wall and beautiful concrete flooring. I wish my room at the Dursley's could be this awesome!!!  
  
(Harry...walking)  
  
Harry: la deed a dad a. laaaaaa... la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaa ooooooooooh!!!!! I lovvvvvvvvvvvve to siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiingggggg wheeeen I'm a searchin for a big fat ugly snakeSLASHdragonSLASHbasilisk!!!! Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh-  
  
(Tom Riddle comes out of the hole in the wall and cuts Harry off from his singing)  
  
Tom: I am Voldemort. Hear me roar. Roar.  
  
Harry: that's funny, you don't look like Voldemort...Did you use Rogaine?  
  
Tom: Voldemort is moi. Moi is Voldemort.  
  
Harry: but why?!  
  
Tom: because I say so!  
  
Harry: okay!  
  
Tom: and nooooooow, you meet my beloved snakey poo.  
  
Harry: (mutters to self) So it's a snake!  
  
Tom: SNAKEY! ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(snake begins coming out of the hole in the wall. Ceiling starts to rumble from Tom's yelling)  
  
Harry: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! SNAKE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! SNAKE!!! OOOOH!!! AHHH!!! SNAAAAKE!!!!  
  
(Ceiling rumbles more. Nobody seems to notice. Finally rocks fall from the ceiling onto the giant snakes head.)  
  
Harry: oh no! poor snake!!!  
  
Tom: My beloved!!!!!!!!!  
  
Harry: I want a souvenir! (takes tooth out of snakes mouth) beautiful! Now everyone will think that I killed the mighty snake. Well, I did... ho ho. Yeesss...  
  
(Tom attacks Harry in anguish and they scuffle on the ground for a couple minutes)  
  
Harry/Tom: (grunts and muffles) AACH! Murgh.. arrrr.. gru.. ugh.  
  
(Diary some how attaches itself to the tooth of the snake. Tom disappears)  
  
Harry: Huzzah! I have won!!!  
  
(dances)  
  
The End.  
  
I hope those gifted people noticed some weird little jokes from other stories/movies. :D 


	3. Sorcerer'sPhilosopher's Stone Ending

Sorcerer's Stone:  
  
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione have gone through the trap door underneath Fluffy, when suddenly they are attacked, by the cruel imagination of.....ME!!!. Enjoy, Please R&R as I only have 2 reviews as of now.  
  
They have been caught in the vines and are desperately trying to get out.)  
  
Hermione: (whimpers) I'm gonna die...I'm gonna die... The vines.. The vines are gonna eat me.. (latches on to Harry and Ron) I know.. I know.... I cannot make up my mind... I cannot decide who I like better...soo.. I'm going to die with you both!!!!! (whimpers)  
  
Ron and Harry: (Relax in the holds of Hermione) hah... Only the best way to die....(smile and slip through the holds of the vines)  
  
Ron: whoa freaky!  
  
Harry: They just let me go!  
  
Ron: Hermione! Think of the best way to die! And then it will let you through...  
  
Hermione: (fantasizing) Oh Ron... We're in bed and –  
  
Harry: AAGH!!! To yourself Hermione!!! Ugh.. Gross..  
  
Ron: teehee.  
  
(A few moments pass. Then Hermione drops through to join Harry and Ron. They walk through the passage to the area with the flying keys. Only the Keys are all lying on the floor, convieniently.)  
  
Harry: KEYS!  
  
Hermione: This is convenient!  
  
Harry: (stuffs key into the door then bangs on the door) WHY WON'T IT OPEN?!!!! (goes off in a huff and glares at door muttering)  
  
Ron: Wuts wrong with the door?  
  
Harry: (in frustration) The damn door wont open!  
  
Hermione: what a stupid door..  
  
Ron: (walks over to the door. Sees a sign labeled PUSH) P-U-S-H...  
  
Harry: P-U-S-H.....  
  
Hermione: P-U-S-H... Puh...shhh... PUSH!  
  
Ron: Yay! Hermione learned to read!!! We shall pusheth the dooreth!  
  
Harry: (Pulls on door) DAMN! It wont work this way either  
  
Hermione: (pushes on door. It opens. Pats Harry's head) Good little guinea pig... Goood (Gives Harry a treat) Next time I try him with an electroshock collar on.. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!  
  
Ron and Harry: neeh...?  
  
Hermione: anyway.. ON TO THE NEXT ROOM!!!!  
  
(The next room is the chess room, in which all of the Chess pieces have miraculously been turned into fishes.)  
  
Ron: YUM! (begins gnawing on a fish head. Fish head comes alive and begins attacking Ron.) KNAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! NOT THE FISH!!!!!! (Ron gets knocked out in the scuffle with the fish head)  
  
Hermione: Good riddance.  
  
Harry: (mutters) Now Hermione is mine! Yippee!  
  
(Hermione and Harry continue on to the Potion Room. Two potions are sitting on the table.)  
  
Hermione: oooh! Midday smoothies! (drinks one and immediately falls to the floor in a twitching slumber.)  
  
Hermione: nnah (twitch) snaaaaaa (twitch, snore) nne.. nee... (twitch, snore)  
  
Harry: Alas, she is mine no more.  
  
(Harry leaves Hermione there while he goes on to the next room. He enters the cavernous room with the stairs going down to the mirror and Professor Quirrel is standing there.)  
  
Harry: Hi Professor!!! How are you?!  
  
PQ: (turns to record player to turn ominous music on) verrry... verrry... good Harry. NOW!  
  
Harry: (squeals in fright. Harry walks down the stairs but trips on one of the middle steps and falls to the bottom) I-I'm okay... Go on.. please..heh heh...  
  
PQ: Now... You will meet the man, the man the man, the man (begins to dance with ominous music.)  
  
Harry: OOH! A SHOW!!!  
  
PQ:(Starts to sing) The man.....The man... The man... budum ba ba.... The man! The maaaaaAAAAAAnnnnnnnnnn whoooooooooo kIlled yoooooooooooooour parents...  
  
Harry: what a meanie...  
  
(ominous music cuts off and mild squealing fills the room coming from the record player)  
  
PQ: oh shit. It broke again. Ah well... Now announcing the great, the great Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooord Vooooooooooooooooooooooooldeeeemort!!!! (begins taking off the turbin. Several minutes go by as PQ is taking off his turbin.) la la la la laaaaaa.. we're getting there...  
  
Harry: Can you hurry up cus I have a dentist appointment after this?  
  
Voldemort: SILENCE!!!!!!!!  
  
Harry: (very small voice) okay...  
  
Voldemort: By now Harry, you know who I am and all that. Yadda yadda yadda. Look into that mirror, and get me the Sorcerer's slash Philosopher's stone.  
  
Harry: alrighty (sings to the mirror) oh mr. mirror! Bring me a stone! Bring me a stone that will.. uh... sparkle!!!! (Feels lump in pocket)  
  
Voldemort: Did you get it?  
  
Harry: Yah! (chucks it at Voldemort) Catch!  
  
(The stone hits Voldemort in the forehead, or the back of PQ's head and causes him to get a concussion. But because Voldemort is not a normal man, PQ and him turn to liquid and drain into some holes in the floor.)  
  
Voldemort: VENGEANCE WILL BE MINNNNNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Harry: (goes to pick up the stone) Ha ha Voldy! I got the stone and it is mine! Neener neener neener! I feel like fainting. Goodbye!!! I sure hope Dumbledore will find me here......oh well! (faints)  
  
The End  
  
I hope you liked the 3rd chapter of According to Harry, even though I've kind of gone backwards through the books. Ah well. Bare with me. 


End file.
